“We Are Not That Family,” Says Family Who Is Clearly That Family

Cullman, AL — In a statement delivered with a whole lot of self-righteousness and zero self-awareness, the Wilcox family of the 10U Cullman Coyotes firmly denied being that family in travel baseball—while embodying every known symptom of exactly that family.

“We just love the game and support our son,” said father Todd Wilcox, while wearing a moisture-wicking team polo sipping from a Coytes-branded Yeti.

The family reportedly arrived two hours early to their 9 a.m. pool play game with a 10x10 customized tent labeled “Wilcox Nation,” complete with misting fans, a Bluetooth speaker playing a curated hype playlist, and a laminated printout of the tournament bracket.

During the game, Todd was given a warning for repeatedly questioning the umpire’s strike zone using only sarcasm, air quotes, and the phrase “consistency matters, Blue.” His wife, Stephanie, could be heard through the live-stream on Gamechanger aggressively yelling, “Well if it was their kid, I bet that’s a strike, Blue!”

Despite the chaos, Stephanie insists they’re “chill.”

“We’re not those crazy travel ball parents,” she said while applying eye black to her 10-year-old son’s face. “We don’t live and die by this stuff. We just expect excellence, effort, hustle, and for the tournament director to correct the seeding error they made. Again.”

As of press time, the Wilcox’s were seen discussing whether to appeal their son’s two-game suspension from the last tournament, which Todd referred to as “an honest mistake involving a bat toss and a misinterpreted throat slash gesture.”