Local Dad Turned Restroom Into Crime Scene After Watching 8-Year-Old Bat in Close Game

BOAZ, AL — What began as a tight 8U baseball showdown ended with one father fighting for his life inside the men’s restroom at the Boaz Parks and Rec complex, after the pressure of watching his son bat in the bottom of the 5th triggered a full-system gastrointestinal failure. The digestive detour was taken Saturday afternoon when local dad Jeff Thompson sprinted to the restroom moments after watching his son, Mason, step to the plate with two outs and the tying run on third.

Witnesses say Thompson went into a dead sprint toward the bathroom, “holding his rear-end like he was being chased by the IRS.” His hat flew off mid-run. He did not go back for it.

“He looked like a man on the brink,” said one bystander. “One hand on his lower back, the other waving traffic out of his way. He shouted something like ‘Dear God no!’ as he rounded the concession stand.”

What followed in the restroom has already become the stuff of suburban dad folklore. “It was blasting out from both ends,” said Thompson, eyes hollow, gripping a lukewarm BodyArmor for support. “I was praying for mercy. At one point I had to just lean forward and surrender to the experience.”

Cleanup crews declined comment, but one official confirmed that two employees quit on the spot.

As of press time, authorities condemned the building and mandated that it be burned down immediately.