‘Not Fair!’ Normal-Schooler Complains About Homeschooler Getting to Practice Every Day for P.E.

BAY MINETTE, AL – The Coastal Cubs 8U baseball team is reeling from a dugout dispute, as public schooler Tommy Grayson aired his grievances about homeschooler Malachi Whitaker, who “gets to practice baseball every day for P.E.” The outburst came after Malachi launched three home runs in Saturday’s 8-3 rout of the Maplewood Mavericks, leaving Tommy to cry foul over what he calls an “unfair” edge.

“I have to play coed kickball with a half-flat ball alongside kids that can’t stop talking about Minecraft and Pokémon!” Tommy whined. “Meanwhile, Malachi is at the batting cage for an hour every day! No wonder he hits dingers. His parents need to get more involved and make him, like, do normal school!”

Here’s the kicker: Malachi, the Cubs’ pint-sized powerhouse, isn’t just a slugger. His homeschool “P.E.”—a rigorous regimen of batting and pitching drills—doubles as a physics lesson, with Malachi calculating exit velocities for fun. His parents, who moonlight as his tutors, have him breezing through algebra and Latin conjugations before lunch and working on his non-profit business in the afternoon.  “Batting practice teaches discipline and vectors,” beamed Mrs. Whitaker, whose son recently aced a national math competition while perfecting his curveball.

Tommy’s dad, Carl, scoffed at the setup. “Vectors? My kid’s dodging dodgeballs from a kid who thinks P.E. is a TikTok audition. Malachi is featured on Perfect Game highlight reels, and Tommy’s stuck in a bad gym class rerun.” Mom, Jenna, added, “Malachi’s parents are too involved—make the kid sit in a classroom for seven hours like everyone else!  I mean, how is he even going to function in the real world?”

Malachi, meanwhile, is penning an essay on aerodynamics for “English” while eyeing a fourth homer.