Coach Sues Apostle Paul Over Phil 4:13 Shirt Fail

OPP, AL – In a bizarre twist on the Opp Titans 8U baseball season, Coach Greg Harlan has filed a lawsuit against the Apostle Paul, claiming “false advertising” after his team’s 8-2 loss to the Crestview Cougars. Harlan, who had Philippians 4:13—“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”—embroidered on a Bruce Bolt arm sleeve for every player, insists the verse promised victory.

“I read that scripture, and it’s a slam-dunk guarantee!” Harlan fumed, waving the arm sleeve. “We shelled out $600 for these sleeves, expecting to crush it. Instead, we’re 0-3, and little Timmy struck out twice!” Harlan claims the verse misled his squad into believing they’d dominate, despite spotty practices and a lineup distracted by a post-game ice cream truck.

Local pastor Bro. Bobby tried to clarify. “Philippians is about endurance and contentment, not batting averages,” he said, but Harlan wasn’t buying it. “Endurance? We endured a shutout! Contentment? Not with our record!  I want a refund on this promise!”

Harlan’s lawsuit demands “spiritual damages” and new uniforms. Legal experts doubt the case will hold, noting Paul has been deceased for centuries. Still, Harlan’s undeterred. “False advertising is false advertising.  I mean, I don’t see how you can read this text any other way than a guaranteed win. It’s not like this verse was written with other verses that could frame a different context.” 

As the Titans limp toward their next game, bleacher buzz centers on whether Harlan will swap Phil 4:13 for a luckier verse—or just hire a batting coach.  Witnesses say they saw Coach Harlan watching a Joel Osteen video for ideas.